the cyclical nature of creation

reading helps me find my voice. just as “ello poppet” helps me speak a british accent. and “pulling a string” on my body helps me to create a character in improv. for every creation there is a model. if this is true then who created the first model? did the originators of all creations model their creations after anything other than the visions in their heads?

reading helps me find my voice. picks me up and places me into a world where there are only words, there is only literature. all else is white noise to the soundtrack of the writer. i read and words flow to me like i am the shore and the words are the ocean. endlessly crashing into me, seemingly retreating but always coming back to caress my feet. words are truly magical, they create nations and burn them down. they light the fires of love and give meaning to the days and nights. what would the world be without words? what would we use to express, how would we communicate? what other universal form of interaction would we create? would all be music? art? and without a universal model, would there be endless originality? endless creation? or is all creativity recycled at some point in time?

it seems an absolute truth to me that without eachother we can not create. however it also seems to me a truth that with eachother we can not create. something of a yin and yang this thought. that in order to create there must be a certain cyclical element specific to the art of creation and a certain linear element specific to the creator.

my mind spins with ideas. i am rich in ideas yet so so poor in creation. ideas are only ideas if they are not put to action. i could drown in a sea of ideas before i ever build a raft. however when i allow myself to look around the sea, maybe dive below and explore the carcasses of the past. i am overcome with ideas, with inspiration. i could build a million rafts from simply seeing that one raft was built one million years ago. there is something comforting in the knowledge that one of the mystery humans of the past has had similar ideas and of them created a raft with which to float amongst them.

all this to say, when we save ourselves, we save others. when we allow ourselves to create, to be; when we have the courage to create a model, a blueprint of a raft in which to float the sea of life. we create a portal into the minds of others, which they can tap into for centuries to come.

this is the cyclical nature of creation.

i love u

“the visible is a shadow cast by the invisible” ~ plato

I keep “The Measure of a Man” by Dr. Martin Luther King JR. on my desk. I just picked it up and opened to a page that revealed to me the true poetic nature of Dr. King.

He writes:

“Something should remind us once more that the great things in the universe are things that we never see. You walk out at night and look up at the beautiful stars as they bedeck the heavens like swinging lanterns of eternity, and you think you can see all. Oh, no. You can never see the law of gravitation that holds them there. You walk around this vast campus and you probably have a great esthetic experience as I have had walking about and looking at the beautiful buildings, and you think you see all. Oh, no. You can never see the mind of the architect who drew the blueprint. You can never see the love and the faith and the hope of the individuals who made it so. You look at me and you think you see Martin Luther King. You don’t see Martin Luther King; you see my body, but, you must understand, my body can’t think, my body can’t reason. You don’t see the me that makes me me. You can never see my personality. In a real sense everything we see a shadow cast by that which we do not see.”

Dr. Martin Luther King JR.

Dr. King was a man of a deep rooted faith. A strong argument could be created that he believed in the unseen more than anyone else of his time. For it was because of his blind faith and infinite vision that he was able to lead us to the mountaintop. He had seen the promised land, whether it be in a vision or in his dreams. He had seen something which no one else had seen, and he believed in it wholeheartedly. He fought for this vision so graciously and so righteously that he convinced an entire nation of people to walk behind him. Many of which, including me, still do; years after his passing.

I share this today to redirect us to the connectivity and oneness of all things. The computer i’m typing on originated in the mind of a fellow human. But i will never see the courage with which he built it, the determination he had when creating it. All i see is the product of this. I see the final vision. The same is true for traffic lights, pens, television, art, music, etc. The same is true for all that we see in this current moment. All that we see is made possible due to all we can not and will never see.

It is very important to pay attention to every moment. For we do not know which moments are the invisible ones that will give birth to the visions of eternity, we do not know which thoughts, moments, ideas are the mothers of the future. We must nurture ourselves and love ourselves. Follow our deepest passions with the purest form of love and diligence fathomable. We are blind at the feet of feeling, of experience. So why then is it so difficult for us to trust, to believe in the things we can not see. We do this all the time subconsciously. We accept so many shadows of the invisible as true, as facts. So what is it that blocks us from extending this same trust to our conscious daily life?

All has come from another, an invisible source. Even we. So, I pose these follow-up questions for reflection: If we can see the product of the source, isn’t that testament that the source exists? For without a source, there is no existence?

For all creations there must be a creator.

thank u for reading my beloved humans on the other end of the internet void. i love u.

“something like a feeling, isn’t it? that thought.”

everything leads back to self-acceptance.

everything leads back to understanding, to forgiveness. we must allow ourselves to think, to express, to have opinions. to alter our opinions to grow and flow with life. stop caring so much about what others think. stop allowing your thoughts to dictate your life and your feelings. be in control while relinquishing control. allow the quantum principle to lead you. accept life for what it is, accept your role in life for what it is. be grateful for it and don’t try to own more than is given to you. be gracious in accepting the things you can’t change, the things you can’t control. and be responsible in getting into the drivers seat of the things you can. shift your focus to grace. and allow the divine grace to flow through you and move you. all is love

on forgiveness

It’s saturday and i’m being hard on myself…again.

most of my life, i didn’t share many opinions or take many sides because i had this internalized fear of being wrong or politically incorrect or being misunderstood. truly what this boils down to is the need for acceptance and validation. something that i have personally struggled with. yesterday i voiced an opinion in front of a group of people that was pretty strong, pretty to one side, pretty bold and unique. after saying this i was struck with thoughts of guilt, remorse, and incessant questioning “should i have said that?” “did i say it right?” “did they understand?” “did i offend them?” “was i wrong?”

these thoughts continued on to the night and i woke up this morning still feeling unsure if those people “liked me” or not because of an opinion i expressed.

let’s start off by saying that feelings like this can not be overcome until they are acknowledged and worked through. understanding is a concept that is very undervalued and under utilized in many spaces, but specifically, in our own headspace. if we don’t understand something, we can’t come to healthy, informed conclusions. we just continue to sit in this perpetual torment. whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

ME TO ME: when you have opinions you must always be willing to yield or stand by them. to listen to others if your opinion has hurt them or if they seek further clarification. you must give others the chance to understand you, to hear you. and you must give yourself the opportunity to understand yourself and others. if someone doesn’t like you based off of an opinion or based off of anything, really IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. you do not have to feel guilty about having an opinion that is different from the majority, especially if it’s not likely to be understood. you have to allow yourself space to be, to feel, to think, to fuck up, to grow. don’t seek validation from others, don’t mold to fit others standards, don’t try to “fit in”. and don’t allow the opinions and thoughts of others to rule and dictate your life. what someone else thinks about you is none of your business.

LET IT GO.

i love you.

self-fulfilling prophecy: an autobiography

we are all prophecies living in the moments before it is fulfilled.

we create our destinies, our stories, our self-talk, our futures. we give life to everything we live through. this moment is the building block of every other moment to come. the embodiment of the infinite present moment. it is all we have. it is difficult to release and allow. it is overwhelming and deafening to sift through the talk of the mind and find the truth. the core.

relentless in my embodiment of self-deprecating thoughts

i constantly fight against the clock

is this what i want to be

are they all laughing at me

what will it take for me to see

beyond your perception

into the eternal mirror of perfection

in which i am reflected

the mirror of divinity

with which i have chosen to see

man its funny when your friends show their ass

bow down and moon ya, with so much class

people are rarely who they say they are

because words begin in the mind

which is already too far

from the kind

of connection required

to truly see why to form you,

the universe has conspired

i am a whirlwind of fear of anxiety of love of resilience. i bow to the essence, the ever-presence. close my eyes when i walk past you cause i don’t care what you look like. tired of seeing, looking for something with meaning. within my eyelids i see visions of the future, with which i become obsessed like the kama sutra. hold me close, let me kiss your toes. in search of another with which to dance freely to the sound of the thunder.

What’s a woman to do?

When a woman is rejected for being too much, scary, intimidating…what’s she to do?

It seems across cultures, women are silenced, pushed away, indoctrinated to believe and defend our own suppression. It is difficult to live an authentic, fearless life and also want to fulfill this innate human need to be understood and accepted. It is flabbergasting to say but the louder, bolder, more loving, honest, real, independent a woman is- the more likely she is to experience the “last pick for the dodgeball team” effect. Low hanging fruit seems to be what society coddles and craves. Authentic, strong people are respected and wanted but I can’t say that they’re sought after (as much as they should be) in personal relationships. I believe this is due to the fact that most of us who have been present in this society at all have, to an extent, been brainwashed into walking in a straight line and bending over backwards to fit in. So, by default, we don’t crave and cherish the different, unknown- we run from it.

Ok, let’s do a quick transition solely women- in general, people who are different (true to themselves, not the outside world) are pushed away from so many different sectors of society. So many boxes, molds, rules- what do we do when we don’t want to fit into anything? It becomes necessary for a human who longs to show up in the world as the most authentic version of themselves to also develop an impenetrable amount of self knowledge, confidence and love. For the human who does not know themself is subject to being molded by everyone and everything else.

Now, back to women. This experience that I speak of is obviously biased in a sense because it comes from my point of view. However, I see it happen all the time- to me and to other women. In dating, men won’t come close because they are afraid of what will come next when you get involved with a soulful, deep, empathic woman. So women drain themselves and tune in to the outside world as opposed to the inside. We become “yes-women”, robots of desire, submissives to the will of man. To that, I have two words: FUCK THAT. It takes COURAGE to show up in the world as who you are meant to be, but mostly it takes TRUST. Trust that in being your most authentic self, regardless of the opinions/thoughts of others, will bring you the abundance and prosperity we all SO RIGHTFULLY deserve. Every single one of us, simply for existing, has the RIGHT to creative ownership over their life, person and soul. Thankfully, trust and courage are skills that we can all hone and cultivate.

Final thoughts: My fellow wild women, soulful, fearless, courageous, divine feminine women with wells of endless love: Do not be afraid of being “too much”, because why would you want to be less? Do not be afraid of being “loud” “bossy” “too secure” “confident” “miss independent” because these are all words put into a negative context to try and make you feel like you shouldn’t want to be them. Be loud! Take up space! Be big! Be bold! BE A BOSS, NO NOT A “GIRL BOSS” OR “LADY BOSS”, A BOSS!!!! Be secure! Be confident! Let them call you miss independent in a mocking tone and know that …Patrick, their insecurity is showing 😜

DO NOT SHRINK FOR ANYONE. ACCEPT YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF. THEY WILL ADJUST.

in love and power

i love you

lAdY soooooIiiiiiiIIII

ride or die —-> drive or die?

there’s so many fish in the sea…so why would anyone ever choose me?

one fish, two fish

red fish, blue fish

fish, fish, fish

octopus

fish, fish, fish

when you go to a seafood restaurant, do you order a hamburger? at steak and shake, do you get chicken? sometimes i feel like i am the thing that no one came for, and they’ll entertain the thought, “hmm, this steak house has chicken too” but mostly they’ll go with the steak. don’t get me wrong, if they choose the steak (them) over the chicken (me) then they’re missing out on the juiciest most amazingest chicken ever, not to mention i get to live as a whole chicken another day. but when i undergo the seemingly endless moments of being overlooked, never committed to, always underestimated, second choice or not on the menu at all…it’s not the best feeling. sometimes it feels bottomless, especially when it’s consistent and it feels like just for a moment, one little moment, their eyes lingered on the chicken a little longer but the steak was too tempting.

what does a strong, independent woman gotta do to get some loyalty!! some reciprocity!

let’s take this subject specifically to men and women (just indulge me ok). why is it that a man asks a woman for SO much, whenever he wants and seemingly expects the woman to abide? why do women (9 times out of 10) abide?!?! WHY is it that when a woman asks a man for the same in exchange, it’s never granted?!?!? i’m endlessly loyal, ride or die af but really that expression just doesn’t encompass most of the interactions of our time because women are doin the driving!!! we ain’t riding anywhere! we either driving or dying because damn sure no one is gonna take us anywhere and no one is gonna save us…especially not..*drum roll please* A MAN. i’m sorry, a MODERN STR8 MAN. listen guys, i really don’t wanna be that “every guy this” person but………

men think women are so complicated. but are we? no. we just pickup on all of your non-verbal cues and are confused and sad af all the time because no one ever taught us to be vocal about what we want/feel/think so we don’t know how to act. if you, (the man) were to be a more responsible human and create space to ask questions and voice feelings instead of taking advantage of a woman’s instinct to conform, then we (the women) would PROBBBAAABBBLLYYY not be so scared to voice ourselves. NOW, that being said, women: SAY WHAT YOU WANT/THINK/FEEL ALWAYS!!!!!! REGARDLESS OF WHAT “HE” OR “THEY” THINK!!!! FUCK EM!!!

so this started off as a sad piece but now i feel empowered. women have been silenced for far too long. so what if a man doesn’t show reciporocity, FUCK EM. so what if a man thinks you have too many feelings BETTER THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE I HAVE THEM 😛 ! so what if you’re judged IDC BC I LOVE ME AND I’M GR8 AND I AM THE JUICIEST PIECE OF CHICKEN EVER SO IF U WANNA CHOOSE SOMETHING OVER ME BYYYYEEEEE, DON’T WATCH ME LEAVE.

if someone isn’t making you a priority, if you feel sad more than anything else, if you question yourself way too much because of a person, go into yourself and find the wisdom to walk away.if you’re having trouble with this (don’t worry we all do), get into a quite space, close your eyes, take five deep breaths and recite this prayer/mantra/sentences until you feel calm and can make a choice:

“God*(replace this or omit it if u like) grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change. The courage to change the things i can not accept and the wisdom to know the difference.”

happy healing, be free, be powerful, be u

xxoxoxoxoxo

ladysoi

Do you want to have sex with me?

yesterday i was pumping gas at the gas station when this homeless man came up to me and asked if he could shine my front lights. he said he could get them like new again, but he would charge me $20. i almost said no, then he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people and i would really be helping them out if i said yes… then he looks at me with the puppy dog eyes and says “please”. and of course, i said yes. i mean what’s $20 to those puppy dog eyes!

so i come out from getting the cash and he’s shining away at the lights. i inspect it and tell him he did a beautiful job and award him the money he earned.

he then asks, “do you have a boyfriend?”

“no, i don’t”, i say

“what do you do for sex?”, he asks as though he just asked me what my name was.

i’m a little taken aback so i don’t answer right away..

“do you want to have sex with me?” he asks again as though it’s a question as simple as, what’s your name?

“no, thank you.”

SO my friends, what can we learn from this extremely forward yet shockingly considerate man? he just asked me if i wanted to have sex with him, minutes after he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people. when he asked me this, he did not have a hint of shame or fear. when i replied and negated the offer, he did not have a hint of shame or rejection. what i learned from this man was that rejection only exists in your mind, not in the real world. if someone says no to your offer- be it for sex, a job, a friendship or a follow on social media- it should not affect you in anyway. rejection is born from the self-talk that continues in YOUR head after the conversation has taken place and the “no” has been stated. he went along his merry way and my rejection of his offer did not affect his self esteem, or the way he showed up in the world. so why is it that we, who have everything and don’t need to sleep on a bridge, are so easily swayed when someone says no to us? why is our self-esteem and self-image so easily wounded?

because of the self-talk! the things we tell ourselves after the exchange is over is what creates the residual effects of hate, etc. in our minds. so go out today and MAKE AN OFFER! PRACTICE REJECTION! put yourself in a situation where a “no” is more likely than a yes, then allow yourself to practice brushing off the no! it’s not a big deal when someone says no because if they do, then you’re right back to where you started and nothing has changed! don’t tell yourself how shitty and worthless you are because someone refused you. tell yourself that they’re missing out, or you don’t need them anyways or whatever fits your situation and will allow you to LET IT GO!! ask questions, make offers, go first and life will reward you. don’t let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

i love you.

How to know when you need a break/Recognizing your own boundaries

Much of our society, life and culture is centered around productivity. Many of us (including me) have this self destructive belief that if we aren’t doing something 24/7, if we aren’t being productive then we should feel guilty. There’s so many times when I haven’t been feeling very well but pushed myself to go to work anyways or, if i didn’t go to work, i made myself feel guilty all day for not pushing through it and being productive. This is a common phenomenon in present day and it is very important that we continue to lift the veil on this misconception.

Today, I woke up and my body was feeling so heavy and my neck was stiff. I struggled with going to my martial arts class or not. I didn’t want to be a pushover to myself nor did I want to miss class. But my neck was so stiff it hurt to move it. Going to class would’ve made it worse. So instead of pushing myself I recognized my boundaries and RESPECTED THEM! This is such an important concept to embody because just as we need to respect the boundaries of others, we need to respect our own boundaries as well.

Understand and accept that you are more than your societal person and you have a complex system inside of you, working hard to keep you alive and sometimes we need a break! so take a moment today to analyze where you can be a little more gracious in your life, give yourself a little more leeway, and TAKE A BREAK!

i love you!

you ever feel like you’re late to your life?

have any of you ever felt like you woke up in the middle of your life?

i have been living through this for about a year now and it is quite tough to get through. i teeter between excitement to finally feel fully alive in my body and anxiety that i’m late. that somehow or someway i should’ve already done these things, that i wasted so much time.

feelings like this are hard to cope with many times. they can feel immensely overwhelming and are undeniably the building blocks of anxiety because they are rooted in worry. but our job as humans and as owners of these thoughts and feelings is to analyze them, get to the core and figure out what it is we’re really afraid of. what is triggering this fear? this worry? this negativity? some of the things that fuel this fire are the beliefs that we won’t have enough time to do what we want to do or that we will die or that we won’t be able to live the way we want or that we’ll never accomplish our dreams, etc. etc. because of these fears many of us don’t even try!! we don’t even try to live the life of our dreams!! we stay on autopilot because we are afraid to fail… but what we don’t realize is that by choosing not to try, you have already failed and by choosing faith, you can not fail.

our brains can not accept conflicting thoughts. so it is very important that we get to the core and figure out how we truly feel about things. because once we do, we can let go of those that aren’t in line with what we TRULY believe. many times, our opinions/thoughts/beliefs are rooted in the opinions of others or negative beliefs we have about ourselves. it is CRUCIAL that we free ourselves from these things if we are to show up in the world full forced.

so when i have these thoughts that i’m “late” to my own life, i laugh and i check MYSELF. because it is impossible for me to be late to my own life! i’m not living on someone else’s timeline, i’m living on my own! so how can it be, that i’m late? late compared to what? we have to develop a sense of trust, this is vital to creating a comfortable rhythm between you and life. trust is a practice! so start with things that will not disappoint you, the inevitable truths of life. then, trust yourself. trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be, because it is! there are infinite possibilities in the world, infinite “timelines” so to speak. there is a reason why this one is happening and why we are here, now. so BE HERE NOW. accept the moment, this infinite and divine present moment, for it is all we have. the past no longer exists, although effects of it may still linger, it is gone. and it is up to US as responsible, conscious humans to CHECK OURSELVES and put ourselves back on the right path when we stray away. with love, grace, trust and the power of your will, you will become who you want to be. it takes great courage to do so. start now! accept your life for what is has been and what it will be, and BE FREEEEEE MY LOVES, BE FREE!!!!

i love you

-lady, soi.