on forgiveness

It’s saturday and i’m being hard on myself…again.

most of my life, i didn’t share many opinions or take many sides because i had this internalized fear of being wrong or politically incorrect or being misunderstood. truly what this boils down to is the need for acceptance and validation. something that i have personally struggled with. yesterday i voiced an opinion in front of a group of people that was pretty strong, pretty to one side, pretty bold and unique. after saying this i was struck with thoughts of guilt, remorse, and incessant questioning “should i have said that?” “did i say it right?” “did they understand?” “did i offend them?” “was i wrong?”

these thoughts continued on to the night and i woke up this morning still feeling unsure if those people “liked me” or not because of an opinion i expressed.

let’s start off by saying that feelings like this can not be overcome until they are acknowledged and worked through. understanding is a concept that is very undervalued and under utilized in many spaces, but specifically, in our own headspace. if we don’t understand something, we can’t come to healthy, informed conclusions. we just continue to sit in this perpetual torment. whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

ME TO ME: when you have opinions you must always be willing to yield or stand by them. to listen to others if your opinion has hurt them or if they seek further clarification. you must give others the chance to understand you, to hear you. and you must give yourself the opportunity to understand yourself and others. if someone doesn’t like you based off of an opinion or based off of anything, really IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. you do not have to feel guilty about having an opinion that is different from the majority, especially if it’s not likely to be understood. you have to allow yourself space to be, to feel, to think, to fuck up, to grow. don’t seek validation from others, don’t mold to fit others standards, don’t try to “fit in”. and don’t allow the opinions and thoughts of others to rule and dictate your life. what someone else thinks about you is none of your business.

LET IT GO.

i love you.

#poember poetry challenge day 3- the me you see vs. the me i see

TITLE: A TRIBUTE TO BROKEN MIRRORS

in order to discuss the me i see

i must first discuss the me i saw

so you can join me

on the journey as we look back in awe

the me i see is in recovery

from everything that went wrong

when i looked in the mirror

the me i saw

was chasin bitter tastes

because everything she had ever tasted was bitter

and she wasnt sure if there would ever be anything sweeter

the me i saw

felt like she didnt belong

measuring her worth

with someone elses ruler

singing someone elses song

the me i saw

used fear as a veil to shield the bugs of reality

she played dead

so no one would go for her head

she gave others control of her life

then in turn blamed herself for the strife

blind to the fact

that they did not regard her as the precious artifact

that she was

that she is

one day un pajarito sent her a message

he told her that she was in charge

that she had to release the demons on herself

and conquer them no matter how large

no matter how real

no matter who they were

she had to let herself feel

relinquish the care

of what they had to say

because it didnt matter

anyway

she shed the betrayals, the mistakes, the self-hate

that had become her cloak

gifted to her by others

tightening around her neck until she began to choke

the me i saw worked with the me i wanted to see

to build a ladder

down into the deepest parts of me

the me i see is closer to the me i have wanted to be

everyday i let go of the past

i forgive myself

i allow myself to be me

i accept myself

the me you see

may be a weirdo

may be silent

may be distant

may appear unattainable

the me you see…….

honestly…..

doesn’t matter.

because truth is i dont know what you can see

i dont know what you have or will see

and if i base my focus on that

shit, ill become mad as a hatter

because no matter what i do

you will always see me through a lens

that is shattered

no matter how genuine, authentic or me i try to be

there will always be somebody who does not want to see

there will always be somebody who puts mud back onto their glasses

when its been cleared

there will always be somebody

who will look at the present through the lenses of the past

trying to make what is gone forever last

i HOPE the me you see

inspires you to be

lifts you out of darkness

and gives you a safe place to breathe

i have always felt misunderstood

a black sheep in a world of giraffes

but even with this thought

i still feel good

and that shit makes me laugh

because i am not my thoughts

and everyday i step into this more and more

i accept

that not everyone will accept me

and the me you see

may very well be

a skewed version, a version before the ladder

but thats okay

because i accept myself

i give myself permission to rise

about all the little eyes and the little lies

the me i see is proud of who she is

and doesnt give a FUCK

if you disagree

because hashtag i do this

and i dont need you to like me, to be free

this life is alchemy

a reflection of the collective consciousness

the me i saw, see

the me you saw, see

the you i saw, see

comprise the we

now

one thing i can guarantee

is that as life goes on

more of me, you will see

because if i dont give you all of me

why am i here?

#poember poetry challenge day 2 – can we feel everything we touch?

i love music

listening, feeling

but if asked to touch music, what would you do?

i would run my fingers down the spine of a dancer

caress the strings of my guitar

put my ear to the floor as the drummer beats real hard

i would touch the embodiments of music

for it is not real until it is embodied

can we touch everything we feel?

can we feel everything we touch?

will i reach the end of the reel

before i even have lunch?

are feelings real?

is anything real?

one of my teachers once told me

that we never truly touch anything

we are so electric

that we repel electricity

i guess thats why i could never feel you hold me

the illusion exists

but doesnt make it past your fingertips

to touch life

we must allow ourselves

to exist

for we are life

and it doesnt get much better than this

touching tangible things

tangible things?

dancing dervishes i divulge

in illusion i indulge

finally feeling free

making my life more me

rarely reaching, always aware

developing diligence

caressing the cosmos

building bridges between

broken paths

paving the way thru which we will all pass

barely breaching the core

creating tools to feel more

i dont know if we can truly touch anything

because when i reach out, i constantly feel empty

but my spirit feels everything

can feel you breathing

and the feelings that give this life meaning

close my eyes and see thru anything

feeling your pulse with my hips

converging with your lips

life is an ebb and flow

teetering between emptiness and over-flow

enjoy the bliss

dive into the abyss

just let go

don’t try to touch everything

with your hands

for some things can not be physically felt

count the money, release the band

how do you feel?

like im not real

empty

my mother calls out to me

my mother calls out to me

“coming!” i reply

i can hear her weep

but i get distracted and years fly by

my mother calls out to me

i hear her voice echo through the littered streets

in shock and disbelief

i turn on the tv

and finally realize why she called to me

her forests are burning

ignorance is herding

you can not un-see, un-feel

the cries of your mother

i can not un-see the despair that runs through the streets

you speak of our earth like she is not there below your feet

holding you up

giving you air to breathe

long walks in the park

i inhale and smell the trash

the trucks drive by and pollute my air

their very presence brash

plastic blows through my hair

i look up and the clouds rumble in despair

the era of irresponsibility is over

from your ignorance

i am now sober

sobered up by the burning trees

the extinct animals

the ever-growing disease

climate change is not a hippie principle

climate change is political

when sectors of our earth are wrongly claimed

you all show up to scream and rage

but wheres the claim now that you’re to blame

are you willing to change your day to day?

the world is not big enough for our reckless consumption

the damage is fact

not just assumption

resources are finite

the world is being born again for the first time

will your kids have clean air to breathe?

the lungs of our earth are on fire

how can we resuscitate her if yall keep calling her a liar?

this is not about the past

its about the present, the future

and how we can change-fast

theres plenty of fish in the sea

but that number is not equal to infinity

yes burgers are good

but why is the air dirtier in the hood?

WHY DOESNT FLINT HAVE CLEAN WATER?

our brothers and sisters are polluted, poisoned everyday

and all we do is clock in, scroll down and zombie away

climate change is real

climate change is political

impoverished and marginalized communities feel the heat before you do

they’ve felt the warfare in our air

the impact of our meat

pollution

and dirty ass streets

protect our earth

pick up your trash

to consciousness, lets give birth

and stop all this clash

clean air is a right

affordable housing is a right

these are all climate issues

if you dont believe it

then heres a tissues, into which you can spit your ignorance

cause this isnt a debate

this is facts

the glaciers are melting

and they dont form back

our brothers and sisters on islands

can tell you all about that

extinction is forever

over the last decade 160 species have gone extinct

not to mention the change in the weather

this is not some esoteric thing that hippies preach

this is real and it is here

and it is up to us to ensure the future of us

the future is unpredictable

but what we do in the present

can help foreshadow

educate, organize

be wise

for climate change is happening, right before your eyes

self-fulfilling prophecy: an autobiography

we are all prophecies living in the moments before it is fulfilled.

we create our destinies, our stories, our self-talk, our futures. we give life to everything we live through. this moment is the building block of every other moment to come. the embodiment of the infinite present moment. it is all we have. it is difficult to release and allow. it is overwhelming and deafening to sift through the talk of the mind and find the truth. the core.

relentless in my embodiment of self-deprecating thoughts

i constantly fight against the clock

is this what i want to be

are they all laughing at me

what will it take for me to see

beyond your perception

into the eternal mirror of perfection

in which i am reflected

the mirror of divinity

with which i have chosen to see

man its funny when your friends show their ass

bow down and moon ya, with so much class

people are rarely who they say they are

because words begin in the mind

which is already too far

from the kind

of connection required

to truly see why to form you,

the universe has conspired

i am a whirlwind of fear of anxiety of love of resilience. i bow to the essence, the ever-presence. close my eyes when i walk past you cause i don’t care what you look like. tired of seeing, looking for something with meaning. within my eyelids i see visions of the future, with which i become obsessed like the kama sutra. hold me close, let me kiss your toes. in search of another with which to dance freely to the sound of the thunder.

confessions of a submarine

I was created with the goal of a vessel with which to explore the endless unknown, where humans can not exist. i am ironclad and nothing can destroy me. anyone can use me to explore the depths of the sea. but can i confess something to you? if it were up to me, i would have a few requirements before you stepped onboard.

rule number one of the submarine: all who embark must present a willingness to leave the shore. far too often people board my ship but can not lose sight of the shore. they panic as i guide them deeper, showing them creatures and depths unbenounced to their conscious mind. many can’t handle this because they lack courage. as even I, a submarine, know- courage is a muscle that must be exercised and only with willingness can you work it out.

rule number two of the submarine: all who embark must have patience. i can not tell you how many humans come on board and expect a quick cruise through the see. the depths are nitty and gritty, we must sail through endless obstacles and obstructions, many times paving our own way through the rocks. this will not be a quick ride but you must trust me, your guide, to guide you!

rule number three of the submarine: all who embark must relinquish control. YES, I SAID IT. all control must be renounced and submitted to I, your guide. for if you are truly to experience the wonders of the unknown, you can not be constantly trying to control. you can not constantly be trying to bring the known into the unknown, you must allow it to reveal itself and revel in the revelation.

now. I have one final rule for all who choose to embark on a journey within me and it just might be the most important one: all who embark must approach with child like wonder. you must marvel at all there is, be present in every moment and find one beautiful thing with every stop. many of you humans come onto me and stare out the window with barely there stares and blank minds, taking all that surrounds you for granted and quite frankly wasting my time. I am a vessel for your wonder! I am here to guide you into the beyond, to show you all of the treasures that lie beneath the surface at which you constantly scratch. be present or you’ll miss the whole point.

being a submarine, many people use me to conduct far from ethical voyages. i hide many secrets and transport more dishonest humans than i would like, which is precisely why i have devised this set of rules. but nowadays i coast up and down the ports, scouting for souls who are ready to embark. souls who have accepted my four rules far before they came to earth. the souls for which i have truly become a vessel. through me, they shall explore the sea. and through me, they shall discover how deeply the depths of the ocean are mirrored within their emotions.

the fire burns, the flames return

skulls and crossbones

dark and sweet

kiss me lightly

run your tongue across my feet

i close my eyes

feel the ghost of your fingertips grazing my thighs

when i sleep, i hear spirits weep

for what has been

and what has not

my knees grow weak

the fire burns, the flames return

i open my eyes

run my fingers through the flames

as we collide

they whisper their names

the ghosts of the past

unsure of how long this connection will last

i give life to the lost souls of the fire

burned alive

when their minds

against them, conspired

glued to the bed

i allow my spirit to leave thru my head

i flow through the clouds

the dungeons of hell

savior of the lost

through the depths i sail

shattered skulls and milky bones

in my body’s paralysis

my mind finds analysis

it whispers to me

of all we must gain the courage to be.

the pied piper of the soul

there’s something to be said about fear. the way it takes hold of your soul, corrupting all that comes near. i was once afraid of everything, see. a recovering coward is what you can call me. i cowered in caverns and crashed into the waves against the rocks, i was splayed. my soul ripped from my spirit, if you listen closely, within the roar of the sea you will hear it. woe, is me my love. for what i felt has turned me into a dove. i soar above and watch below. the peace i now bring i will never let go. my darling soul has saved me, i have traveled to the ends of the earth putting it together piece by piece. listen to its careful whisper, the pied piper as it lulls your soul out of its sleep, galvanizes it to an eternity where there is no tears left to weep.

i love you like a fat kid loves cake

i love you like a fat kid loves cake

like a housewife loves to bake

i want to stuff you in my face all day

i dont care about going out to play

with you i want to lay

and watch the clouds in the sky melt away

you’re good for me because i like you

can’t believe what ive come to

overindluged and overstuffed

unable to call you on your bluffs

i binge you

and still crave

the dirt that rains

as you dig me out my grave

i love you but i cant say it

this truth, it’s weighted

im scared ill implode

hold me, lighten my load

i want you to be the only truth that i hold

What’s a woman to do?

When a woman is rejected for being too much, scary, intimidating…what’s she to do?

It seems across cultures, women are silenced, pushed away, indoctrinated to believe and defend our own suppression. It is difficult to live an authentic, fearless life and also want to fulfill this innate human need to be understood and accepted. It is flabbergasting to say but the louder, bolder, more loving, honest, real, independent a woman is- the more likely she is to experience the “last pick for the dodgeball team” effect. Low hanging fruit seems to be what society coddles and craves. Authentic, strong people are respected and wanted but I can’t say that they’re sought after (as much as they should be) in personal relationships. I believe this is due to the fact that most of us who have been present in this society at all have, to an extent, been brainwashed into walking in a straight line and bending over backwards to fit in. So, by default, we don’t crave and cherish the different, unknown- we run from it.

Ok, let’s do a quick transition solely women- in general, people who are different (true to themselves, not the outside world) are pushed away from so many different sectors of society. So many boxes, molds, rules- what do we do when we don’t want to fit into anything? It becomes necessary for a human who longs to show up in the world as the most authentic version of themselves to also develop an impenetrable amount of self knowledge, confidence and love. For the human who does not know themself is subject to being molded by everyone and everything else.

Now, back to women. This experience that I speak of is obviously biased in a sense because it comes from my point of view. However, I see it happen all the time- to me and to other women. In dating, men won’t come close because they are afraid of what will come next when you get involved with a soulful, deep, empathic woman. So women drain themselves and tune in to the outside world as opposed to the inside. We become “yes-women”, robots of desire, submissives to the will of man. To that, I have two words: FUCK THAT. It takes COURAGE to show up in the world as who you are meant to be, but mostly it takes TRUST. Trust that in being your most authentic self, regardless of the opinions/thoughts of others, will bring you the abundance and prosperity we all SO RIGHTFULLY deserve. Every single one of us, simply for existing, has the RIGHT to creative ownership over their life, person and soul. Thankfully, trust and courage are skills that we can all hone and cultivate.

Final thoughts: My fellow wild women, soulful, fearless, courageous, divine feminine women with wells of endless love: Do not be afraid of being “too much”, because why would you want to be less? Do not be afraid of being “loud” “bossy” “too secure” “confident” “miss independent” because these are all words put into a negative context to try and make you feel like you shouldn’t want to be them. Be loud! Take up space! Be big! Be bold! BE A BOSS, NO NOT A “GIRL BOSS” OR “LADY BOSS”, A BOSS!!!! Be secure! Be confident! Let them call you miss independent in a mocking tone and know that …Patrick, their insecurity is showing 😜

DO NOT SHRINK FOR ANYONE. ACCEPT YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF. THEY WILL ADJUST.

in love and power

i love you

lAdY soooooIiiiiiiIIII