self-fulfilling prophecy: an autobiography

we are all prophecies living in the moments before it is fulfilled.

we create our destinies, our stories, our self-talk, our futures. we give life to everything we live through. this moment is the building block of every other moment to come. the embodiment of the infinite present moment. it is all we have. it is difficult to release and allow. it is overwhelming and deafening to sift through the talk of the mind and find the truth. the core.

relentless in my embodiment of self-deprecating thoughts

i constantly fight against the clock

is this what i want to be

are they all laughing at me

what will it take for me to see

beyond your perception

into the eternal mirror of perfection

in which i am reflected

the mirror of divinity

with which i have chosen to see

man its funny when your friends show their ass

bow down and moon ya, with so much class

people are rarely who they say they are

because words begin in the mind

which is already too far

from the kind

of connection required

to truly see why to form you,

the universe has conspired

i am a whirlwind of fear of anxiety of love of resilience. i bow to the essence, the ever-presence. close my eyes when i walk past you cause i don’t care what you look like. tired of seeing, looking for something with meaning. within my eyelids i see visions of the future, with which i become obsessed like the kama sutra. hold me close, let me kiss your toes. in search of another with which to dance freely to the sound of the thunder.

awak-in my arms

I’ve never looked at someone as carefully as I looked at you

I’ve committed every curve, every freckle on your face to memory

you’ve made me see the beauty within the imperfections that we all possess

by looking at you I’ve been able to see myself

all I needed was to lay in your arms

to be awoken from a lifetime of unconsciousness

i love you like a fat kid loves cake

i love you like a fat kid loves cake

like a housewife loves to bake

i want to stuff you in my face all day

i dont care about going out to play

with you i want to lay

and watch the clouds in the sky melt away

you’re good for me because i like you

can’t believe what ive come to

overindluged and overstuffed

unable to call you on your bluffs

i binge you

and still crave

the dirt that rains

as you dig me out my grave

i love you but i cant say it

this truth, it’s weighted

im scared ill implode

hold me, lighten my load

i want you to be the only truth that i hold

What’s a woman to do?

When a woman is rejected for being too much, scary, intimidating…what’s she to do?

It seems across cultures, women are silenced, pushed away, indoctrinated to believe and defend our own suppression. It is difficult to live an authentic, fearless life and also want to fulfill this innate human need to be understood and accepted. It is flabbergasting to say but the louder, bolder, more loving, honest, real, independent a woman is- the more likely she is to experience the “last pick for the dodgeball team” effect. Low hanging fruit seems to be what society coddles and craves. Authentic, strong people are respected and wanted but I can’t say that they’re sought after (as much as they should be) in personal relationships. I believe this is due to the fact that most of us who have been present in this society at all have, to an extent, been brainwashed into walking in a straight line and bending over backwards to fit in. So, by default, we don’t crave and cherish the different, unknown- we run from it.

Ok, let’s do a quick transition solely women- in general, people who are different (true to themselves, not the outside world) are pushed away from so many different sectors of society. So many boxes, molds, rules- what do we do when we don’t want to fit into anything? It becomes necessary for a human who longs to show up in the world as the most authentic version of themselves to also develop an impenetrable amount of self knowledge, confidence and love. For the human who does not know themself is subject to being molded by everyone and everything else.

Now, back to women. This experience that I speak of is obviously biased in a sense because it comes from my point of view. However, I see it happen all the time- to me and to other women. In dating, men won’t come close because they are afraid of what will come next when you get involved with a soulful, deep, empathic woman. So women drain themselves and tune in to the outside world as opposed to the inside. We become “yes-women”, robots of desire, submissives to the will of man. To that, I have two words: FUCK THAT. It takes COURAGE to show up in the world as who you are meant to be, but mostly it takes TRUST. Trust that in being your most authentic self, regardless of the opinions/thoughts of others, will bring you the abundance and prosperity we all SO RIGHTFULLY deserve. Every single one of us, simply for existing, has the RIGHT to creative ownership over their life, person and soul. Thankfully, trust and courage are skills that we can all hone and cultivate.

Final thoughts: My fellow wild women, soulful, fearless, courageous, divine feminine women with wells of endless love: Do not be afraid of being “too much”, because why would you want to be less? Do not be afraid of being “loud” “bossy” “too secure” “confident” “miss independent” because these are all words put into a negative context to try and make you feel like you shouldn’t want to be them. Be loud! Take up space! Be big! Be bold! BE A BOSS, NO NOT A “GIRL BOSS” OR “LADY BOSS”, A BOSS!!!! Be secure! Be confident! Let them call you miss independent in a mocking tone and know that …Patrick, their insecurity is showing 😜

DO NOT SHRINK FOR ANYONE. ACCEPT YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF. THEY WILL ADJUST.

in love and power

i love you

lAdY soooooIiiiiiiIIII

we are the cosmos

we’re in the middle of the desert, camping out near the grand canyon together. it’s a full moon and the sky is clear and every star is visible. we climb to the roof of the van and sit there together, and as we gaze into the echoes of the stars it feels like we’re being enveloped into the sky. a soft, cool breeze caresses our bodies, tousles my hair, ruffles through your shirt. i feel our energies intertwining, as if our spirits were dancing in the sky, staring back at us. i look at you and you look back at me, you smile. i can’t move. i smile back, and it’s not just my mouth that smiles, my whole body, every cell of me is smiling at you. smiling with gratitude that you found me, accepted me and love me. as i look into your eyes i see the answers to all my prayers staring back at me. you take my face in your hands, i feel my body exhale. our foreheads touch and create a constellation, a portal above us. we are the cosmos.

ride or die —-> drive or die?

there’s so many fish in the sea…so why would anyone ever choose me?

one fish, two fish

red fish, blue fish

fish, fish, fish

octopus

fish, fish, fish

when you go to a seafood restaurant, do you order a hamburger? at steak and shake, do you get chicken? sometimes i feel like i am the thing that no one came for, and they’ll entertain the thought, “hmm, this steak house has chicken too” but mostly they’ll go with the steak. don’t get me wrong, if they choose the steak (them) over the chicken (me) then they’re missing out on the juiciest most amazingest chicken ever, not to mention i get to live as a whole chicken another day. but when i undergo the seemingly endless moments of being overlooked, never committed to, always underestimated, second choice or not on the menu at all…it’s not the best feeling. sometimes it feels bottomless, especially when it’s consistent and it feels like just for a moment, one little moment, their eyes lingered on the chicken a little longer but the steak was too tempting.

what does a strong, independent woman gotta do to get some loyalty!! some reciprocity!

let’s take this subject specifically to men and women (just indulge me ok). why is it that a man asks a woman for SO much, whenever he wants and seemingly expects the woman to abide? why do women (9 times out of 10) abide?!?! WHY is it that when a woman asks a man for the same in exchange, it’s never granted?!?!? i’m endlessly loyal, ride or die af but really that expression just doesn’t encompass most of the interactions of our time because women are doin the driving!!! we ain’t riding anywhere! we either driving or dying because damn sure no one is gonna take us anywhere and no one is gonna save us…especially not..*drum roll please* A MAN. i’m sorry, a MODERN STR8 MAN. listen guys, i really don’t wanna be that “every guy this” person but………

men think women are so complicated. but are we? no. we just pickup on all of your non-verbal cues and are confused and sad af all the time because no one ever taught us to be vocal about what we want/feel/think so we don’t know how to act. if you, (the man) were to be a more responsible human and create space to ask questions and voice feelings instead of taking advantage of a woman’s instinct to conform, then we (the women) would PROBBBAAABBBLLYYY not be so scared to voice ourselves. NOW, that being said, women: SAY WHAT YOU WANT/THINK/FEEL ALWAYS!!!!!! REGARDLESS OF WHAT “HE” OR “THEY” THINK!!!! FUCK EM!!!

so this started off as a sad piece but now i feel empowered. women have been silenced for far too long. so what if a man doesn’t show reciporocity, FUCK EM. so what if a man thinks you have too many feelings BETTER THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE I HAVE THEM 😛 ! so what if you’re judged IDC BC I LOVE ME AND I’M GR8 AND I AM THE JUICIEST PIECE OF CHICKEN EVER SO IF U WANNA CHOOSE SOMETHING OVER ME BYYYYEEEEE, DON’T WATCH ME LEAVE.

if someone isn’t making you a priority, if you feel sad more than anything else, if you question yourself way too much because of a person, go into yourself and find the wisdom to walk away.if you’re having trouble with this (don’t worry we all do), get into a quite space, close your eyes, take five deep breaths and recite this prayer/mantra/sentences until you feel calm and can make a choice:

“God*(replace this or omit it if u like) grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change. The courage to change the things i can not accept and the wisdom to know the difference.”

happy healing, be free, be powerful, be u

xxoxoxoxoxo

ladysoi

the observer

the mind

the mind is like a child

spongey and scared

your consciousness is like the parent

eternally prepared

to life, the mind does retort

consciousness provides comfort

when your body and mind were conceived

at some point

your soul slid in between

do not be deceived you are not your mind, the birds or the bees

you are the everlasting breeze

the observer

the ease

wise as a serpent

gentle as a dove

beware of the current

always rise above

as above, so below

the clouds are tiny dancers

in their movements lie the answers

lose your mind

come to your senses

relax, unwind

clean those dirty lenses

life is a game of chance

to which we must learn to dance

you the mechanic

your mind the car

do not panic

and you will go far

look under the hood

rewire your brain

accept what is, forget what should

and divinely you’ll reign

a bird must learn to fly

a wolf must learn to hunt

do not be afraid to try

for to score you must first punt

awaken my love

humans are electric

sexy and sensual

sensitive and emotional

chaotic and heavenly

humans are one of the only things that make sense to me

my life has been fieldwork

observing, understanding

the anatomy of a jerk

and the daily crash-landing

how different can you be?

in a world comprised of we

everything we see, believe

repeated in our history

could it be that we loop until we’re human again?

until the robots are extinct

and our souls run free?

that our mission

is to understand ourselves

and stop perpetuating hell?

he doesn’t walk, he waltzes

every movement a calculated act of passion

he articulates like butter melting over pancakes

smooth and creamy, with a sweet base

lips like clouds

on which i would lay

all day, while i listened to him explain

the intricacies of his heart

things that once tore him apart

i want to change the way you see the world

show you where the secrets are burrowed

people are art

they’ve just been hanging in the wrong galleries

i’ll jump off the cliff with you

if it means you’ll be free of all those calamities

one day

i hope we will all see

that the only way to be understood

is to overstand

to walk hand in hand

to accept and love

we all want the same things

so why do we pretend

why don’t we take the leap?

AWAKEN MY LOVE, FOR I CAN NO LONGER SLEEP

unconditional love: one size fits all

unconditional

The Life of Stardust.

I had so many beautiful things I wanted to say to you.

But everytime I opened my mouth,

you turned away.

So I started saying them to myself instead.

Everytime I opened my mouth,

I grew and grew.

More into myself

and out of you.

I whispered the I love you’s I had reserved

the affirmations

the encouragement.

And I grew and grew.

Until,

I didn’t need you to face me to speak.

Until,

I could speak into fields of emptiness,

into crowds of turned faces.

The I love you’s, the affirmations, the encouragement…

grew flowers in deserts.

My words, no longer sought validation.

They had power on their own.

I had power

on my own

And now, I speak

and leave behind a field of flowers.

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color me life, i’ll color u love

The Life of Stardust.

ima kaleidoscope

reflecting colors

can u c me

i am a mirror

reflections that squander

in a world so big

i feel so alone

what does it feel like

to have a home

feel like i’m trapped in a tube

lately nothing feels new

spin me around

get me out of this town

color me life

and i’ll color you love

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