reflections from the wrong side of the glass

i like to stare out windows, at ceilings, walls, people. the mindlessness of it. the longing of it. of watching something happen outside of you, almost opens a portal to the infinite longing that lives within. i find myself wanting so many things, craving so many things, longing.

there’s a tree outside of this window, a big apartment building. all of the apartment windows have three rectangles up and down and double panes. i can’t see through, just some pieces of furniture in some windows. most are empty, waiting for people with their hammers and nails to come in and make it into something. the tree is just there, sometimes the leaves sway, sometimes not. the cars pass by and the people skate, bike, walk. most don’t even notice i’m watching them. the gate opens and closes and i can’t see anyone coming in or out, i just assume they are because the gate is opening, and closing.

but it’s quite possible that there’s no one coming in or out. that it’s simply opening or closing because it’s a malfunction, or an illusion- the way the light hits the gate. i also don’t know where any of the people are going, or where they came from or if they’re even human. i’m sure most of you have noticed the rise of the robot. modern day transformers. except they stay robots and forget their human origins. i can hear them in the background as i watch the tree deciding to sway, or not.

they sound like clones, obsessively speaking about falsities taken to be realities. synthetic. i can hear the malfunctions in their voice, the periods of silence where they don’t know what else to choke up. constant chatter, constant noise fills the looking glass. as it’s reflections divert away from the image it so poignantly places on display.

but on the other side of the glass… it’s quiet, slow, contemplative. nuanced, generalized. mindless. shapeless. all left to interpretation. to illusion. to imagination.

i want to live inside the glass. cross the threshold to the other side. live amongst the nuance, fully embrace the mindlessness. sway with the trees, contemplate coming and going with the cars and the bikes. walk in the peace. i don’t want to be on this side anymore with it’s loudness and empty chatter. i want to be on the other side.

a poem to those who lead with courage and love

#POEMBER #30DAYPOETRYCHALLENGE DAY 20 PROMPT: A WORLD LEADER WHO INSPIRES YOU

this poem is for those

who courageously arose

amidst all the flames

to speak out, unashamed

those who

through the principles of love

channeled guidance from above

leading generations

in fights for their respective nations

for they understood

that a nation is a reflection of those who inhabit it

and when the reflection narrows

including less and less

the inhabitants must

fly like sparrows

in search of righteousness

this poem is for

Ghandi and Dr. King

is for

Mandela

and those visionaries

who showed the world

that peace does not bleed

and nonviolence

will bring us the changes we need

this poem is for

Santana and Lennon

is for

Marley, Maya and Prince

for the artists

the warriors of the like

who had the courage to stand in the light

to dedicate their lives

to the pursuit of truth

through their chosen tools

despite

the obstacles

that against them would fight

this poem is for

the souls who’ve come to earth

and through courage, discipline and love

have given birth

to new perspectives

and freed minds

of all kinds

who’d been enslaved

and caged

this poem is for

the many more

warriors who will come

and are already here

may they rise

free of fear

and through

their chosen tools

through the principles

of love, freedom, justice and nonviolence

lead humanity

towards liberation

and a more accurate reflection of every nation

(C) N.OCASIO (LADY SOI) 2020

alpha female unapologetic

#POEMBER #30DAYPOETRYCHALLENGE PROMPT: TRAUMA/FEAR

the girl was quiet, but profound

didn’t hang around the lost and found; lost but afraid to be found

wandered the world in her mind without ever leaving inside

fears included everything

eyes to the ground

no point in chasing

dreams, for her destiny was written

stared in too many broken mirrors

left the poison apple half bitten

wanted to die but afraid of death

the girl was funny, a light amongst friends

but trapped in a mind which she could not comprehend

outcast syndrome, fell in love with the silence

call it stockholm

a life alone, with no one to play with, no one to phone

a lifetime in isolation, in contemplation

led to many questions, to the acceptance

that many will go unanswered

if insecurity is a kingdom she was the queen

forehead felt like a thousand coals

when she felt seen

born with a want to hide, with no one to seek

she couldn’t understand why

games of who do you want to be?

where she wouldn’t dare utter “me”

why would she want to be herself?

her life was “hell”, her reflection fanned the flames, felt depression before it even had a name

perpetual sorrow, perpetually lonely

only trusted words cause they’re holy

attempted suicide only to find out she didn’t wanna die

traveled across the globe and found a home

maybe she did belong, her thoughts echoed

her soul bellowed

restless heart crooked smile

the quiet girl began to grow up

her heart was shattered

and as she picked up the pieces

she glimpsed into her life

the pieces a mirror, reflecting back the strife

she saw

her back slumped

weighed down by her eternal internal frown

she saw

her forgotten dreams

for this there was no sound

she saw

pieces of what could be

hidden behind the shatters, somehow still untattered

she was engulfed by an energy

that picked her up and sung her to sleep

she awoke

fearless

looked back at the pieces

“fuck you i dont need this”

she screamed

she was loud

making up for the times she was silenced

disavowed

picked up her chin, brushed off the frown

replaced it with a grin

she didn’t want to behave and bow her head

she wanted to be free and dance instead

at a young age took a vow to self to never fit the mold

wasn’t even sure who she told

what this meant

but that day as over the shatters she was bent

the fire crackled and lit

it wasnt too late

for herself to save

brainwashed at a young age

to believe some other equally lost soul was she to behold

as her king, her heaven and hell

he who knew what, for her, was well

explained many of her patterns, her projected trauma

so she vowed to fix what was broken

to re-wire the wires so she could swallow the truth and stop chokin

she stopped waiting for ghosts

for she grew tired of being haunted

hunted by the demons

that projected all the things she was scared to believe in

alpha female

unapologetic

in this story

she saves her self

don’t need a sequel

this life is prophetic

the girl evolved from omniscient third person

to first person

i

am no longer afraid to fly

i no longer want to die

but i accept the truth

and i am not aloof

i am emotion

sensitivty

vulnerability

these are my weapons in this society

so i scream from this page

don’t do what you’re told

unless it’s to reclaim

your narrative, your life, yourself

be free, for you create the heaven and hell

this is my truth

and i dont wanna be aloof

the womb across the room

#poember ~ 30 day poetry challenge ~ day 11 ~ prompt: someone you see

i watch as they move around the room, eyes fidget like hands looking for keys. scanning back and forth, almost like a plea. a plea? to be invisible? to disappear? to be seen?

i sit back in my chair, running my fingers through my hair

the faint buzz of the music, lulls me into a trance

i watch from across the room as his calculated movements send my brain into a dance

with every move i have to inhale, for not much of my breath remains

he inhales and sucks all the air out of the room

and when he exhales the room is lighter, less filled with gloom

i wonder what his lungs are made of, what magic intertwines within his alveoli

developing x-ray vision i stare into his chest

wondering what the insides look like, what it would feel like below my head

he slides his fingers across the pages of his book, then rhythmically up to his hair

runs them through, and just keeps them there

i’m his fingers now

and i dance between his thick curls, long and short, coils of sorts

inhaling the scent, on my descent down his forehead i slide down the bridge of nose and cozy into the space between his lips and the very tip

the floor beneath me rumbles as he speaks, lips move up and down, across his lips my fingers sweep

i dont think he can feel me

but i can feel him

someone bumps my chair and im transported out of the rumbling womb, back across the room

i look up and hes looking at me

its almost as if

we traded places

just to explore each others faces

#poember ~ 30 day poetry challenge ~ day 10

TITLE: RESTLESS HEART, CROOKED SMILE

A heart of glass

a river of stone

gentle things

pretty things

of which destruction is not condoned

restless heart, crooked smile

tear it apart

make it worth while

what good is a heart

if it does not shatter

from overuse

whats the point of livin recluse

i say give it your all

and just let loose

dont allow fear to choose

i wanna be where the humans are

i wanna feel them dancin

swingin their hips to the beat of the world

lying on their backs

eyes rolled back

toes curled

life is so beautiful you know?

good and bad must exist

it’s about the balance

that must persist

for far too long

“bad” has tipped the scale

how bout we

let love in

and send the hate straight to hell

#poember ~ day 8 ~ 30 day poetry challenge ~prompt: decisions

TITLE: win or lose? you choose.

whats the difference between a win and a lose?

the choice to shoot the shot

and walk the walk

the choice to get caught

in the negative talk

decisions, decisions

which should i choose

should i kick out the chair

or loosen the noose

i can’t decide if i want to wake up today

the sun shines on my face

as the clouds roll into my head

i cant decide if i want to wake up today

or if im better off dead

decisions, decisions

which should i choose

take the risk of my dreams

or keep my head low and put on the news

a choice, a reflection of your voice

explains why the voiceless so frequently correlates with the choiceless

free will allows us to choose our bed

to lie in it too

indecision steals my will

stepping back into the wheel

robs me of my right to feel

whats right for me

not for the people i see

and the fingers they point

choose this choose that

or you’ll dissapoint

all around me i see

people making decisions

i wonder if they’re all following a vision

or taking stabs in the dark

with pure willingness to embark

i think what holds me back is my doubt

not sure if to choose this or that

what if i choose x and should’ve chose y

what if it creates the wrong timeline?

through analysis ive found

that when you make a choice

you should consider the outcomes

and which one will most align with your voice

sometimes this requires sacrifice

allow old habits to die

so new versions of you may come alive

truly, no choice can end in failure

because all end in experience

and experience shapes behavior

allow yourself to be molded by boldness

let it seep into your pours

as you make confident choices

make a decision

and stick to it

follow through

and let your courage see you through

i hope you choose life today

i hope you choose confidence

i hope you choose peace

and to the indecision lay seige

i hope you believe in yourself

because without belief in a heaven

we’ll all end up in hell

#poember – Day 4 – something you want to change in the world

TITLE: war is over, if you want it

“who did it?

was it the muslims?

the americans?

the chinese?

the whites?

the blacks?

who was it?”

“humans.

humans killing humans”

man this shit is really a nuisance

cant take a deep breath

without inhaling the bullshit

for centuries

humans have grown on earth

for centuries

to wars we have given birth

since wars begin in the minds of men

it is in the minds of men

the defenses of peace must be established

im tired of hearing about all this havoc

we reap upon ourselves

then try and blame hell

can’t you see that we create this reality?

videos of hate, of death

got me holdin my breath

people praising a icon of hate

not caring about their neighbor

just gossiping about her being late

dont even get me started about roast culture

i swear we be actin like a bunch of vultures

lobsters in a bucket

pushing eachother down to get on top

end up boilin in a pot

what would happen if the lobsters worked together

if they all pushed to one side

instead of pushing eachother down

and of the bucket made a clown

what do i want to see change?

the way humans treat eachother and themselves everyday

kids in schools getting bullied for a cheap laugh

syria getting bombed for a payday

our earth spit on and trashed

i want to see our society be responsible

loving

kind

gracious

responsible

for the people we raise

the shame and guilt we face

and the outcome of our days

i want to see people who can say

hey, im sorry

people who can say

how can i support you?

people who can say

i love you

to a stranger

cause really, whats the danger?

making eye contact

is a lost artifact

i want to see

people who

meet up to have trash clean ups

meet up and actually talk to eachother

not stare at a phone

and ignore one another

i want to see the end of greed

and the rise of love

i want to see the heavens descend from above

the end of conformity

the beginning of originality

you know 99% of people are afraid to be themselves

because theyre afraid of you giving them hell?

isnt this something we should think about

talk about?

the dark places others dwell

because of a human induced hell?

i want more places of worship

besides just churches

places of hope, of peace

non judgemental

spots where we can break bread

and share each piece

i want forgiveness

i want reparations

i want bravery

courage

and safe places

truth

honesty

and vulnerability

is the air i want to breathe

to get to this divine utopia

we must share the cornucopia

so all may live in abundance

remove the labels

and accept each one for who they choose to be

stop imposing identities

give people safe places to breathe

to bleed

to cry

to heal

war is over, if you want it

but we must first have the courage

to be real, to feel

and to flaunt it