the womb across the room

#poember ~ 30 day poetry challenge ~ day 11 ~ prompt: someone you see

i watch as they move around the room, eyes fidget like hands looking for keys. scanning back and forth, almost like a plea. a plea? to be invisible? to disappear? to be seen?

i sit back in my chair, running my fingers through my hair

the faint buzz of the music, lulls me into a trance

i watch from across the room as his calculated movements send my brain into a dance

with every move i have to inhale, for not much of my breath remains

he inhales and sucks all the air out of the room

and when he exhales the room is lighter, less filled with gloom

i wonder what his lungs are made of, what magic intertwines within his alveoli

developing x-ray vision i stare into his chest

wondering what the insides look like, what it would feel like below my head

he slides his fingers across the pages of his book, then rhythmically up to his hair

runs them through, and just keeps them there

i’m his fingers now

and i dance between his thick curls, long and short, coils of sorts

inhaling the scent, on my descent down his forehead i slide down the bridge of nose and cozy into the space between his lips and the very tip

the floor beneath me rumbles as he speaks, lips move up and down, across his lips my fingers sweep

i dont think he can feel me

but i can feel him

someone bumps my chair and im transported out of the rumbling womb, back across the room

i look up and hes looking at me

its almost as if

we traded places

just to explore each others faces

the cyclical nature of creation

reading helps me find my voice. just as “ello poppet” helps me speak a british accent. and “pulling a string” on my body helps me to create a character in improv. for every creation there is a model. if this is true then who created the first model? did the originators of all creations model their creations after anything other than the visions in their heads?

reading helps me find my voice. picks me up and places me into a world where there are only words, there is only literature. all else is white noise to the soundtrack of the writer. i read and words flow to me like i am the shore and the words are the ocean. endlessly crashing into me, seemingly retreating but always coming back to caress my feet. words are truly magical, they create nations and burn them down. they light the fires of love and give meaning to the days and nights. what would the world be without words? what would we use to express, how would we communicate? what other universal form of interaction would we create? would all be music? art? and without a universal model, would there be endless originality? endless creation? or is all creativity recycled at some point in time?

it seems an absolute truth to me that without eachother we can not create. however it also seems to me a truth that with eachother we can not create. something of a yin and yang this thought. that in order to create there must be a certain cyclical element specific to the art of creation and a certain linear element specific to the creator.

my mind spins with ideas. i am rich in ideas yet so so poor in creation. ideas are only ideas if they are not put to action. i could drown in a sea of ideas before i ever build a raft. however when i allow myself to look around the sea, maybe dive below and explore the carcasses of the past. i am overcome with ideas, with inspiration. i could build a million rafts from simply seeing that one raft was built one million years ago. there is something comforting in the knowledge that one of the mystery humans of the past has had similar ideas and of them created a raft with which to float amongst them.

all this to say, when we save ourselves, we save others. when we allow ourselves to create, to be; when we have the courage to create a model, a blueprint of a raft in which to float the sea of life. we create a portal into the minds of others, which they can tap into for centuries to come.

this is the cyclical nature of creation.

i love u

“the visible is a shadow cast by the invisible” ~ plato

I keep “The Measure of a Man” by Dr. Martin Luther King JR. on my desk. I just picked it up and opened to a page that revealed to me the true poetic nature of Dr. King.

He writes:

“Something should remind us once more that the great things in the universe are things that we never see. You walk out at night and look up at the beautiful stars as they bedeck the heavens like swinging lanterns of eternity, and you think you can see all. Oh, no. You can never see the law of gravitation that holds them there. You walk around this vast campus and you probably have a great esthetic experience as I have had walking about and looking at the beautiful buildings, and you think you see all. Oh, no. You can never see the mind of the architect who drew the blueprint. You can never see the love and the faith and the hope of the individuals who made it so. You look at me and you think you see Martin Luther King. You don’t see Martin Luther King; you see my body, but, you must understand, my body can’t think, my body can’t reason. You don’t see the me that makes me me. You can never see my personality. In a real sense everything we see a shadow cast by that which we do not see.”

Dr. Martin Luther King JR.

Dr. King was a man of a deep rooted faith. A strong argument could be created that he believed in the unseen more than anyone else of his time. For it was because of his blind faith and infinite vision that he was able to lead us to the mountaintop. He had seen the promised land, whether it be in a vision or in his dreams. He had seen something which no one else had seen, and he believed in it wholeheartedly. He fought for this vision so graciously and so righteously that he convinced an entire nation of people to walk behind him. Many of which, including me, still do; years after his passing.

I share this today to redirect us to the connectivity and oneness of all things. The computer i’m typing on originated in the mind of a fellow human. But i will never see the courage with which he built it, the determination he had when creating it. All i see is the product of this. I see the final vision. The same is true for traffic lights, pens, television, art, music, etc. The same is true for all that we see in this current moment. All that we see is made possible due to all we can not and will never see.

It is very important to pay attention to every moment. For we do not know which moments are the invisible ones that will give birth to the visions of eternity, we do not know which thoughts, moments, ideas are the mothers of the future. We must nurture ourselves and love ourselves. Follow our deepest passions with the purest form of love and diligence fathomable. We are blind at the feet of feeling, of experience. So why then is it so difficult for us to trust, to believe in the things we can not see. We do this all the time subconsciously. We accept so many shadows of the invisible as true, as facts. So what is it that blocks us from extending this same trust to our conscious daily life?

All has come from another, an invisible source. Even we. So, I pose these follow-up questions for reflection: If we can see the product of the source, isn’t that testament that the source exists? For without a source, there is no existence?

For all creations there must be a creator.

thank u for reading my beloved humans on the other end of the internet void. i love u.

“something like a feeling, isn’t it? that thought.”

everything leads back to self-acceptance.

everything leads back to understanding, to forgiveness. we must allow ourselves to think, to express, to have opinions. to alter our opinions to grow and flow with life. stop caring so much about what others think. stop allowing your thoughts to dictate your life and your feelings. be in control while relinquishing control. allow the quantum principle to lead you. accept life for what it is, accept your role in life for what it is. be grateful for it and don’t try to own more than is given to you. be gracious in accepting the things you can’t change, the things you can’t control. and be responsible in getting into the drivers seat of the things you can. shift your focus to grace. and allow the divine grace to flow through you and move you. all is love

on forgiveness

It’s saturday and i’m being hard on myself…again.

most of my life, i didn’t share many opinions or take many sides because i had this internalized fear of being wrong or politically incorrect or being misunderstood. truly what this boils down to is the need for acceptance and validation. something that i have personally struggled with. yesterday i voiced an opinion in front of a group of people that was pretty strong, pretty to one side, pretty bold and unique. after saying this i was struck with thoughts of guilt, remorse, and incessant questioning “should i have said that?” “did i say it right?” “did they understand?” “did i offend them?” “was i wrong?”

these thoughts continued on to the night and i woke up this morning still feeling unsure if those people “liked me” or not because of an opinion i expressed.

let’s start off by saying that feelings like this can not be overcome until they are acknowledged and worked through. understanding is a concept that is very undervalued and under utilized in many spaces, but specifically, in our own headspace. if we don’t understand something, we can’t come to healthy, informed conclusions. we just continue to sit in this perpetual torment. whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

ME TO ME: when you have opinions you must always be willing to yield or stand by them. to listen to others if your opinion has hurt them or if they seek further clarification. you must give others the chance to understand you, to hear you. and you must give yourself the opportunity to understand yourself and others. if someone doesn’t like you based off of an opinion or based off of anything, really IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. you do not have to feel guilty about having an opinion that is different from the majority, especially if it’s not likely to be understood. you have to allow yourself space to be, to feel, to think, to fuck up, to grow. don’t seek validation from others, don’t mold to fit others standards, don’t try to “fit in”. and don’t allow the opinions and thoughts of others to rule and dictate your life. what someone else thinks about you is none of your business.

LET IT GO.

i love you.

self-fulfilling prophecy: an autobiography

we are all prophecies living in the moments before it is fulfilled.

we create our destinies, our stories, our self-talk, our futures. we give life to everything we live through. this moment is the building block of every other moment to come. the embodiment of the infinite present moment. it is all we have. it is difficult to release and allow. it is overwhelming and deafening to sift through the talk of the mind and find the truth. the core.

relentless in my embodiment of self-deprecating thoughts

i constantly fight against the clock

is this what i want to be

are they all laughing at me

what will it take for me to see

beyond your perception

into the eternal mirror of perfection

in which i am reflected

the mirror of divinity

with which i have chosen to see

man its funny when your friends show their ass

bow down and moon ya, with so much class

people are rarely who they say they are

because words begin in the mind

which is already too far

from the kind

of connection required

to truly see why to form you,

the universe has conspired

i am a whirlwind of fear of anxiety of love of resilience. i bow to the essence, the ever-presence. close my eyes when i walk past you cause i don’t care what you look like. tired of seeing, looking for something with meaning. within my eyelids i see visions of the future, with which i become obsessed like the kama sutra. hold me close, let me kiss your toes. in search of another with which to dance freely to the sound of the thunder.

confessions of a submarine

I was created with the goal of a vessel with which to explore the endless unknown, where humans can not exist. i am ironclad and nothing can destroy me. anyone can use me to explore the depths of the sea. but can i confess something to you? if it were up to me, i would have a few requirements before you stepped onboard.

rule number one of the submarine: all who embark must present a willingness to leave the shore. far too often people board my ship but can not lose sight of the shore. they panic as i guide them deeper, showing them creatures and depths unbenounced to their conscious mind. many can’t handle this because they lack courage. as even I, a submarine, know- courage is a muscle that must be exercised and only with willingness can you work it out.

rule number two of the submarine: all who embark must have patience. i can not tell you how many humans come on board and expect a quick cruise through the see. the depths are nitty and gritty, we must sail through endless obstacles and obstructions, many times paving our own way through the rocks. this will not be a quick ride but you must trust me, your guide, to guide you!

rule number three of the submarine: all who embark must relinquish control. YES, I SAID IT. all control must be renounced and submitted to I, your guide. for if you are truly to experience the wonders of the unknown, you can not be constantly trying to control. you can not constantly be trying to bring the known into the unknown, you must allow it to reveal itself and revel in the revelation.

now. I have one final rule for all who choose to embark on a journey within me and it just might be the most important one: all who embark must approach with child like wonder. you must marvel at all there is, be present in every moment and find one beautiful thing with every stop. many of you humans come onto me and stare out the window with barely there stares and blank minds, taking all that surrounds you for granted and quite frankly wasting my time. I am a vessel for your wonder! I am here to guide you into the beyond, to show you all of the treasures that lie beneath the surface at which you constantly scratch. be present or you’ll miss the whole point.

being a submarine, many people use me to conduct far from ethical voyages. i hide many secrets and transport more dishonest humans than i would like, which is precisely why i have devised this set of rules. but nowadays i coast up and down the ports, scouting for souls who are ready to embark. souls who have accepted my four rules far before they came to earth. the souls for which i have truly become a vessel. through me, they shall explore the sea. and through me, they shall discover how deeply the depths of the ocean are mirrored within their emotions.

What’s a woman to do?

When a woman is rejected for being too much, scary, intimidating…what’s she to do?

It seems across cultures, women are silenced, pushed away, indoctrinated to believe and defend our own suppression. It is difficult to live an authentic, fearless life and also want to fulfill this innate human need to be understood and accepted. It is flabbergasting to say but the louder, bolder, more loving, honest, real, independent a woman is- the more likely she is to experience the “last pick for the dodgeball team” effect. Low hanging fruit seems to be what society coddles and craves. Authentic, strong people are respected and wanted but I can’t say that they’re sought after (as much as they should be) in personal relationships. I believe this is due to the fact that most of us who have been present in this society at all have, to an extent, been brainwashed into walking in a straight line and bending over backwards to fit in. So, by default, we don’t crave and cherish the different, unknown- we run from it.

Ok, let’s do a quick transition solely women- in general, people who are different (true to themselves, not the outside world) are pushed away from so many different sectors of society. So many boxes, molds, rules- what do we do when we don’t want to fit into anything? It becomes necessary for a human who longs to show up in the world as the most authentic version of themselves to also develop an impenetrable amount of self knowledge, confidence and love. For the human who does not know themself is subject to being molded by everyone and everything else.

Now, back to women. This experience that I speak of is obviously biased in a sense because it comes from my point of view. However, I see it happen all the time- to me and to other women. In dating, men won’t come close because they are afraid of what will come next when you get involved with a soulful, deep, empathic woman. So women drain themselves and tune in to the outside world as opposed to the inside. We become “yes-women”, robots of desire, submissives to the will of man. To that, I have two words: FUCK THAT. It takes COURAGE to show up in the world as who you are meant to be, but mostly it takes TRUST. Trust that in being your most authentic self, regardless of the opinions/thoughts of others, will bring you the abundance and prosperity we all SO RIGHTFULLY deserve. Every single one of us, simply for existing, has the RIGHT to creative ownership over their life, person and soul. Thankfully, trust and courage are skills that we can all hone and cultivate.

Final thoughts: My fellow wild women, soulful, fearless, courageous, divine feminine women with wells of endless love: Do not be afraid of being “too much”, because why would you want to be less? Do not be afraid of being “loud” “bossy” “too secure” “confident” “miss independent” because these are all words put into a negative context to try and make you feel like you shouldn’t want to be them. Be loud! Take up space! Be big! Be bold! BE A BOSS, NO NOT A “GIRL BOSS” OR “LADY BOSS”, A BOSS!!!! Be secure! Be confident! Let them call you miss independent in a mocking tone and know that …Patrick, their insecurity is showing 😜

DO NOT SHRINK FOR ANYONE. ACCEPT YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF. THEY WILL ADJUST.

in love and power

i love you

lAdY soooooIiiiiiiIIII

ride or die —-> drive or die?

there’s so many fish in the sea…so why would anyone ever choose me?

one fish, two fish

red fish, blue fish

fish, fish, fish

octopus

fish, fish, fish

when you go to a seafood restaurant, do you order a hamburger? at steak and shake, do you get chicken? sometimes i feel like i am the thing that no one came for, and they’ll entertain the thought, “hmm, this steak house has chicken too” but mostly they’ll go with the steak. don’t get me wrong, if they choose the steak (them) over the chicken (me) then they’re missing out on the juiciest most amazingest chicken ever, not to mention i get to live as a whole chicken another day. but when i undergo the seemingly endless moments of being overlooked, never committed to, always underestimated, second choice or not on the menu at all…it’s not the best feeling. sometimes it feels bottomless, especially when it’s consistent and it feels like just for a moment, one little moment, their eyes lingered on the chicken a little longer but the steak was too tempting.

what does a strong, independent woman gotta do to get some loyalty!! some reciprocity!

let’s take this subject specifically to men and women (just indulge me ok). why is it that a man asks a woman for SO much, whenever he wants and seemingly expects the woman to abide? why do women (9 times out of 10) abide?!?! WHY is it that when a woman asks a man for the same in exchange, it’s never granted?!?!? i’m endlessly loyal, ride or die af but really that expression just doesn’t encompass most of the interactions of our time because women are doin the driving!!! we ain’t riding anywhere! we either driving or dying because damn sure no one is gonna take us anywhere and no one is gonna save us…especially not..*drum roll please* A MAN. i’m sorry, a MODERN STR8 MAN. listen guys, i really don’t wanna be that “every guy this” person but………

men think women are so complicated. but are we? no. we just pickup on all of your non-verbal cues and are confused and sad af all the time because no one ever taught us to be vocal about what we want/feel/think so we don’t know how to act. if you, (the man) were to be a more responsible human and create space to ask questions and voice feelings instead of taking advantage of a woman’s instinct to conform, then we (the women) would PROBBBAAABBBLLYYY not be so scared to voice ourselves. NOW, that being said, women: SAY WHAT YOU WANT/THINK/FEEL ALWAYS!!!!!! REGARDLESS OF WHAT “HE” OR “THEY” THINK!!!! FUCK EM!!!

so this started off as a sad piece but now i feel empowered. women have been silenced for far too long. so what if a man doesn’t show reciporocity, FUCK EM. so what if a man thinks you have too many feelings BETTER THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE I HAVE THEM 😛 ! so what if you’re judged IDC BC I LOVE ME AND I’M GR8 AND I AM THE JUICIEST PIECE OF CHICKEN EVER SO IF U WANNA CHOOSE SOMETHING OVER ME BYYYYEEEEE, DON’T WATCH ME LEAVE.

if someone isn’t making you a priority, if you feel sad more than anything else, if you question yourself way too much because of a person, go into yourself and find the wisdom to walk away.if you’re having trouble with this (don’t worry we all do), get into a quite space, close your eyes, take five deep breaths and recite this prayer/mantra/sentences until you feel calm and can make a choice:

“God*(replace this or omit it if u like) grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change. The courage to change the things i can not accept and the wisdom to know the difference.”

happy healing, be free, be powerful, be u

xxoxoxoxoxo

ladysoi

awaken my love

humans are electric

sexy and sensual

sensitive and emotional

chaotic and heavenly

humans are one of the only things that make sense to me

my life has been fieldwork

observing, understanding

the anatomy of a jerk

and the daily crash-landing

how different can you be?

in a world comprised of we

everything we see, believe

repeated in our history

could it be that we loop until we’re human again?

until the robots are extinct

and our souls run free?

that our mission

is to understand ourselves

and stop perpetuating hell?

he doesn’t walk, he waltzes

every movement a calculated act of passion

he articulates like butter melting over pancakes

smooth and creamy, with a sweet base

lips like clouds

on which i would lay

all day, while i listened to him explain

the intricacies of his heart

things that once tore him apart

i want to change the way you see the world

show you where the secrets are burrowed

people are art

they’ve just been hanging in the wrong galleries

i’ll jump off the cliff with you

if it means you’ll be free of all those calamities

one day

i hope we will all see

that the only way to be understood

is to overstand

to walk hand in hand

to accept and love

we all want the same things

so why do we pretend

why don’t we take the leap?

AWAKEN MY LOVE, FOR I CAN NO LONGER SLEEP