reflections from the wrong side of the glass

i like to stare out windows, at ceilings, walls, people. the mindlessness of it. the longing of it. of watching something happen outside of you, almost opens a portal to the infinite longing that lives within. i find myself wanting so many things, craving so many things, longing.

there’s a tree outside of this window, a big apartment building. all of the apartment windows have three rectangles up and down and double panes. i can’t see through, just some pieces of furniture in some windows. most are empty, waiting for people with their hammers and nails to come in and make it into something. the tree is just there, sometimes the leaves sway, sometimes not. the cars pass by and the people skate, bike, walk. most don’t even notice i’m watching them. the gate opens and closes and i can’t see anyone coming in or out, i just assume they are because the gate is opening, and closing.

but it’s quite possible that there’s no one coming in or out. that it’s simply opening or closing because it’s a malfunction, or an illusion- the way the light hits the gate. i also don’t know where any of the people are going, or where they came from or if they’re even human. i’m sure most of you have noticed the rise of the robot. modern day transformers. except they stay robots and forget their human origins. i can hear them in the background as i watch the tree deciding to sway, or not.

they sound like clones, obsessively speaking about falsities taken to be realities. synthetic. i can hear the malfunctions in their voice, the periods of silence where they don’t know what else to choke up. constant chatter, constant noise fills the looking glass. as it’s reflections divert away from the image it so poignantly places on display.

but on the other side of the glass… it’s quiet, slow, contemplative. nuanced, generalized. mindless. shapeless. all left to interpretation. to illusion. to imagination.

i want to live inside the glass. cross the threshold to the other side. live amongst the nuance, fully embrace the mindlessness. sway with the trees, contemplate coming and going with the cars and the bikes. walk in the peace. i don’t want to be on this side anymore with it’s loudness and empty chatter. i want to be on the other side.

mismatched socks addicts anonymous

hi everyone my names sonia (“hi, sonia”) and i mismatch my socks. when i first started, i didn’t know how addicted i would get. at first it was just a quick way to get out the house. less to think about, just pull the first two socks i see. put them on my feet and off we go. it was euphoric. i felt free. no longer bound by the constraints of time, i could do anything i wanted. i started doin it more and more. even to funerals, i would mismatch beneath my black church shoes so nobody would notice. it soon progressed to sneaking away from my husband when we were folding our laundry and throwing my socks in different drawers so i had no choice but to mismatch. now i’m even doing it to my kids. the kids at school make fun of them now, saying their moms a disorganized sock freak. i don’t know how to stop. it feels so good, so free. but i know it’s a problem. i just can’t stop.

a hopeful romantic calling for a rEVOLution

this is an ode to romantics trapped in an age of dead romanticism. making love to everything around them with their perspectives. are you a “hopeless” romantic? seems as tho more and more people identify with this title. more and more people are becoming fed up with the lack of love and romanticism of the modern world and have turned instead to this label of hopelessness and professing their love to empty pages instead of open hearts.

i’ve been a self-diagnosed romantic since middle school, so maybe 12? i always daydreamed about love, wrote love poems to no one and would lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling sad for no reason. this can be attributed to many things (girls being brainwashed to long for prince charming for example) but i think it’s deeper than that.

as i’ve grown older i’ve come to understand that sad girl more and more. i was, and am, sad because i want so much more than what i am offered. i believe this is true for so many other “hopeless” romantics. in this modern era of instant gratification and surface, transactional interactions those who seek depths, are starved. i’ve found that i’ve begun to romanticize everything in my life because i have nothing else to love. i love the trees as much as i would love the breeze that tousles through your hair. i look at animals the way i would look at you as you lay by my side through the night. i see the world as my one true love because the world accepts love easier than humans do.

why is this? why is it that humans have become so cold and shallow? that those who crave depth and the romance of the soul have had to turn to making love to their books and passions because they are categorized as “too much” within the realms of society and love. i call for a revolution of love. rooted in love for the advancement of the people. we will get nowhere if we can not release our fear. if we can not learn to both accept love and give it freely without anything in return. without expecting sex or a swipe or a like. we must face our inner fears so we may enter the world fearless and bold. ready to fulfill the prophecies once foretold!

make love to the world. give love freely, smile at strangers, say i love you first, tell people how you feel even if they won’t feel the same. your responsibility is not the feelings and actions of others, it is being true to the love that pours out of your soul. stop repressing, give it an outlet and bring love into the world. romanticism doesn’t have to be hopeless, because i am hopeful that we will free ourselves from this ego trap and embrace love with open arms.

i love you

Do you want to have sex with me?

yesterday i was pumping gas at the gas station when this homeless man came up to me and asked if he could shine my front lights. he said he could get them like new again, but he would charge me $20. i almost said no, then he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people and i would really be helping them out if i said yes… then he looks at me with the puppy dog eyes and says “please”. and of course, i said yes. i mean what’s $20 to those puppy dog eyes!

so i come out from getting the cash and he’s shining away at the lights. i inspect it and tell him he did a beautiful job and award him the money he earned.

he then asks, “do you have a boyfriend?”

“no, i don’t”, i say

“what do you do for sex?”, he asks as though he just asked me what my name was.

i’m a little taken aback so i don’t answer right away..

“do you want to have sex with me?” he asks again as though it’s a question as simple as, what’s your name?

“no, thank you.”

SO my friends, what can we learn from this extremely forward yet shockingly considerate man? he just asked me if i wanted to have sex with him, minutes after he told me he lived on a bridge with 20 other people. when he asked me this, he did not have a hint of shame or fear. when i replied and negated the offer, he did not have a hint of shame or rejection. what i learned from this man was that rejection only exists in your mind, not in the real world. if someone says no to your offer- be it for sex, a job, a friendship or a follow on social media- it should not affect you in anyway. rejection is born from the self-talk that continues in YOUR head after the conversation has taken place and the “no” has been stated. he went along his merry way and my rejection of his offer did not affect his self esteem, or the way he showed up in the world. so why is it that we, who have everything and don’t need to sleep on a bridge, are so easily swayed when someone says no to us? why is our self-esteem and self-image so easily wounded?

because of the self-talk! the things we tell ourselves after the exchange is over is what creates the residual effects of hate, etc. in our minds. so go out today and MAKE AN OFFER! PRACTICE REJECTION! put yourself in a situation where a “no” is more likely than a yes, then allow yourself to practice brushing off the no! it’s not a big deal when someone says no because if they do, then you’re right back to where you started and nothing has changed! don’t tell yourself how shitty and worthless you are because someone refused you. tell yourself that they’re missing out, or you don’t need them anyways or whatever fits your situation and will allow you to LET IT GO!! ask questions, make offers, go first and life will reward you. don’t let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

i love you.

sea-mmetry

i close my eyes

in a loving embrace

bow my head

put my hands to your face

i can feel your heartbeat

see its syncopated rhythym

creating portals

bending with mine

no longer mere mortals

an ocean in time

with your motion i align

floating in your sea

sky is all i can see

the waves crash on my body

your soul waves in mine

tsunami

weaving in and out of your rhythym

becoming paralyzed with submission

the lightness of my body

feels heavy floating in this lobby

the waves hit like bricks

the surface is making me sick

no boat, no oar

i long for the core, inhale and turn my back on the shore

yes, im unsure but i cant stand the surface anymore

i dive to the deep

swim through the bright corals in your reef

the creatures of the deep…blue..sea

they look at me

perplexed

unsure of what i’ll do next

i swim past sunken ships, unmarked boxes

shards of glass, resurrected creatures of the past

until, alas!

feet hit bottom

beneath them an x

i sweep the sand and find the misunderstood vex

a barnacled box covered in rusty locks

tangled in the weeds

from here i hear the beats

the box seems to breather

my lungs compress

as i open the box

and exhale my only breath

the rhythym of my exhale

intertwines the draining of the ocean

an uproarious cacophony of the sea

married to all you have ever

and will ever bleed

i delight in the sight

and dance to the liberation

freedom from castration

in exchange for the ocean

the box has gifted me you

in your purest, full of emotion